I woke around 4:30/5am today and couldn’t fall back asleep. Almost every night for the past few weeks, one of my kids will wander into our bed in the middle of the night or early morning. Lawrence had already moved to the office to avoid the early morning disruption in his sleep. I lay awake waiting. Just waiting for one of my precious children to crawl into bed and curl up with me. I just kept waiting. Since I couldn’t sleep, I just lay there praying for my family. Praying that today would be a day of sharing in love as a family. Praying that God would give us internal peace so we would not fight – especially the kids. My mind would drift to my many things to get done at work. So I redirected. The one promise I made to myself this day was that I would keep work out of today. That at least for 1 day, I would devote it to God and my family. Yes, I recognize this is sad I have to make this sort of self-promise, but even when I’m not doing work I think about it. I guess I care about it that much, it’s always on my mind. But not today. Today is about Jonathan and what his life meant and still means. So I shifted my mind back to 9 years ago. I couldn’t sleep that night either, but for a very different reason. I remember the deep pain, a pain like that you never forget, even though the sting has subsided.
My kids finally wandered in around 7:15am, which is very late for them. Instead of snuggling, they wanted to play and jump over me. Not the kind of start to the day I was hoping for, but this day 9 years ago didn’t start the way I wanted it to either.
Today at church they showed a video story of another woman that lost her child before birth in 2012, the same year Abigail was born. The reminder of that sting came back. What a day to hear this story – on JT’s birthday. But this woman shared how Jesus healed her heart and the pain, just like he did with me. More proof that there is life on the other side of tremendous loss. Strength is not found in myself, but in The Lord. He helps me stand tall every day.
Since we moved to Austin in 2011, I feel like I have only had the chance to share my story a few times. I feel like I walk through life with this giant scar that most people know nothing about. When we lived in Chicago, every person we knew had heard our story. Even most of the members at the Y new about Jonathan. But living here it is like a secret I hold. Each time I get to share, I feel like it gives life to my son.
This year I have been able to share my story with several dear friends which I am very grateful for. As I share, I am feeling compelled to share with even more people. I have always believed that if my experience and my son can encourage or comfort another person that can relate to such a devastating experience, I will keep sharing. Every heart that is moved by Jonathan’s story, gives his little heart life. So thank you to my friends. Thank you to friends of friends. And thank you to anyone that will listen.
Happy 9th birthday Jonathan!
Our traditions we celebrate are yellow and blue balloons that we write messages on and then release heavenward toward Jonathan.
We get cupcakes, usually from my friend, Sugar Momma’s. We sing and burn the candle my friend Hannah gave us the year JT was born. We eat a special meal, and just celebrate being a family.
My Life Lessons 