Birthday Celebration

Every year when we remember Jonathan’s birthday, the day looks a little different depending on what is going on in life. I try to take the day off work, and usually that happens but not always. But two things always happen, no matter what. We have balloons and we have cupcakes.

Since we’ve been in Austin, our cupcakes come from my friend Olivia’s store – Sugar Momma’s Bakeshop. (If you live in Austin, you have to get there!)

And then we get 2 yellow and 2 blue balloons. Yellow, because that was the color of his room before we knew he as a boy, and blue because. . . well, we found out he was a boy. And somewhere along the line, I don’t remember when, we started writing messages to Jonathan before we set sail to his balloons to send them heavenward to him. Each year the messages get longer and the pictures get more creative as they send their love to their big brother.

This year, I was able to take both his birthday and the day after off from work. Lawerence and I went to breakfast, then to our favorite coffee shop. We lounged around the house and didn’t get a lot accomplished, but I think that’s the kind of day we needed. Life has been taxing both emotionally and physically and we both needed a moment to slow down without the kids around. We enjoyed having time with our kitten which we don’t always get because the kids are dominating her time.

We got our kitten “Narnia” in June after waiting for 6 months. She is a Siberian which are low allergen cats since Lawrence is allergic. I am thrilled to have a 4-legged fur baby but I think Lawrence is still up in the air as to whether it was a good idea or not. More on that at another time, but for today we just enjoyed her. We did balloons with the kids after school and ordered carry out from a local favorite restaurant with some New Orleans cooking. Overall a decent day. Thinking more of my friends that of me this year. . . but I think that’s the way it should be, passing on the healing.

12 Years Remembering

This morning, Abigail woke me up at 5:30am ready to start the day. Ugh! I usually get another hour or so of sleep, but I am reminded today especially on Jonathan’s birthday that Abigail is a gift. I sometimes wonder how different his personality would have been from hers. Would he be more like me? (because Abigail is not!) I wonder if we would have “tried” for her, if had Jonathan? I will never know. But what I do know, is that because of Jonathan we have the gift of Abigail. Her creativity. Her energy. Her laughter. Her care free, live in the moment view of life. I need to live like that more. Instead of always planning, because even the best laid out plans get foiled. Some days, I need to be more like her – live for the moment right in front of me. 

This year I have also learned to DO less and BE more. Living with the uncertainties of a pandemic and months of quarantine make one think a lot about life. It’s been the worst 19-months for some people, and the best for others. I’m somewhere in the middle. And one thing that seems to hold true for all is that we have been changed. Major events have a tendency to do that. And Jonathan’s short life that happened 12 years ago, continues to change me. 

We received news last week that some friends of ours lost their 30 year old daughter, leaving behind her young kids, their grandkids. Their loss is nowhere near the same as mine, but upon hearing the news one week before Jonathan’s birthday, the pain and sorrow of our loss came rushing back to me. The remembrance of my pain, gave me such a huge heart trying to grapple with the depth of their pain. I know we have a big God who can heal. He did that for me, and I know he will do it for my friends. 
But today, I grieve and mourn for them and with them.

My mind goes back in time to the days that followed Jonathan’s passing and besides the pain, what I remember most is the people. The loved ones that came to the hospital. The friends that came to our house and brought food, hugs, and helping hands. The 300 people that showed up to cry with us at his memorial service. I can’t say all 300 names in this blog, but I remember you when I remember my son. I read through the names in the guest book and look back at the photos. Thank you for being present with me. This Saturday, I will be present with my friends so they can also experience God’s love through someone broken like me. 

But today is a celebration for Abigail and Michael. They don’t know the pain, but they know and love our traditions to remember Jonathan’s birthday. At Jonathan’s service, we had 200 or so blue and yellow balloons that were released to heaven in his honor. Every year, the 4 of us do the same. And my sweet Abigail once thought everyone did that when they lost a loved one. That’s what balloons mean to hear and I think that is so special. Our other tradition is cupcakes. Because you can’t have a birthday without cake! 

So we juggle between celebration and mourning, because that’s how life goes. May the dancing between the two continue to change us, and change us for the better. And as we walk beside others through these seasons of life, know that God will heal us and give us hope and peace. Because in 2021, who doesn’t need a little more hope in their life?

A New Decade

A decade has passed and it has been filled with hills up and down, but no valley as deep as what we experienced 10 years ago today. But God is good, and the memory of that day no longer stings, but the scars remind me of the blessings that were poured out on us that day and that week. Our church community surrounded us and walked beside us hand in hand. The Y community showed us how big and genuine it can truly be. I remember all the visitors at the hospital and our home. The cards, emails, and meals. I remember all the hugs, shared tears, listening ears, and just presence of other people. While we were in deep pain, I miss that presence of other people. In the fast pace of life, people don’t just sit with other people very often.

This week also represents 8 years ago that we moved to Austin to restart our life. We have yet to experience love and community even close to what we had the days following Jonathan’s birthday. Don’t get me wrong, we have met some wonderful people here in Austin. But while none of us wish trials, pain or suffering in our lives, the outcome is so far better than an easy going, pain free life. The hard things of life is what cause us to slow down. It prompts us to sit and be with others instead of always being on the go.

This is a lesson I have been learning at work, because I am a task master, a get it done kind of girl, and everyone I work with knows that. This fall, I have been working more toward looking at the quality of my relationships – with my staff team and co-workers, and realizing that this has far more importance than what I get done each day. The task list preoccupies me, and allows me not to deal with the pains I am feeling and have buried for so long. The feelings that no one can relate to me or understand where I have been. When we were in Chicago, it felt safe to share these pains because everyone knew about Jonathan and that opened the door for so much more sharing. In Austin, it is as though everyone is moving so fast that we don’t have a chance to connect and find these common points.

In addition to most people in Austin not knowing or not remembering about Jonathan, God gifted me 2 high needs children. While they constantly shower me with love, which is very endearing, they also constantly fight over me which is exhausting. It seems they both feel that they have to compete for my love and attention, as though they don’t get enough of it. And most people know that I give these 2 little people every ounce of me, which is probably why I have little left for anyone else in the world. This summer both of them were tested and diagnosed with ADHD. So they both need constant direction, re-direction, attention, teaching and discipline. And while they both have this diagnosis, they manifest differently so I’m working on discovering a different approach for each of them. This is exhausting, so how can I possibly find time to start and build relationships with other adults?

My mind goes here, because I often wonder what Jonathan’s personality would be like. Would he be a third ring in our family circus or would he be the calming force in our family. My heart wants to believe the latter. As I think back to holding him in the hospital, he looked like a sleeping angel. So calm. So peaceful. I long for that peace in my home and in my life.

So as I look back, the last 10 years have been what they have been but I want the next decade to look different. I want to slow down more. I want to be more intentional. I want to bring more peace to my home, my relationships, and my life. In the name of Jesus and in the memory of Jonathan. “Peace I leave you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

So I’m going out to make this day special, and I will write back later to share what I did.

Jonathan’s 9th Birthday

I woke around 4:30/5am today and couldn’t fall back asleep. Almost every night for the past few weeks, one of my kids will wander into our bed in the middle of the night or early morning. Lawrence had already moved to the office to avoid the early morning disruption in his sleep. I lay awake waiting. Just waiting for one of my precious children to crawl into bed and curl up with me. I just kept waiting. Since I couldn’t sleep, I just lay there praying for my family. Praying that today would be a day of sharing in love as a family. Praying that God would give us internal peace so we would not fight – especially the kids. My mind would drift to my many things to get done at work. So I redirected. The one promise I made to myself this day was that I would keep work out of today. That at least for 1 day, I would devote it to God and my family. Yes, I recognize this is sad I have to make this sort of self-promise, but even when I’m not doing work I think about it. I guess I care about it that much, it’s always on my mind. But not today. Today is about Jonathan and what his life meant and still means. So I shifted my mind back to 9 years ago. I couldn’t sleep that night either, but for a very different reason. I remember the deep pain, a pain like that you never forget, even though the sting has subsided.

My kids finally wandered in around 7:15am, which is very late for them. Instead of snuggling, they wanted to play and jump over me. Not the kind of start to the day I was hoping for, but this day 9 years ago didn’t start the way I wanted it to either.

Today at church they showed a video story of another woman that lost her child before birth in 2012, the same year Abigail was born. The reminder of that sting came back. What a day to hear this story – on JT’s birthday. But this woman shared how Jesus healed her heart and the pain, just like he did with me. More proof that there is life on the other side of tremendous loss. Strength is not found in myself, but in The Lord. He helps me stand tall every day.

Since we moved to Austin in 2011, I feel like I have only had the chance to share my story a few times. I feel like I walk through life with this giant scar that most people know nothing about. When we lived in Chicago, every person we knew had heard our story. Even most of the members at the Y new about Jonathan. But living here it is like a secret I hold. Each time I get to share, I feel like it gives life to my son.

This year I have been able to share my story with several dear friends which I am very grateful for. As I share, I am feeling compelled to share with even more people. I have always believed that if my experience and my son can encourage or comfort another person that can relate to such a devastating experience, I will keep sharing. Every heart that is moved by Jonathan’s story, gives his little heart life. So thank you to my friends. Thank you to friends of friends. And thank you to anyone that will listen.

Happy 9th birthday Jonathan!

Our traditions we celebrate are yellow and blue balloons that we write messages on and then release heavenward toward Jonathan.

We get cupcakes, usually from my friend, Sugar Momma’s. We sing and burn the candle my friend Hannah gave us the year JT was born. We eat a special meal, and just celebrate being a family.

 

 

Sunday is coming

This Sunday we will celebrate Jonathan’s 9th birthday. It is so hard to believe it has been NINE YEARS!  As we approach this time of year, I know Lawrence often dreads it and the kids actually look forward to it. They see it as a reason to celebrate with cupcakes and balloons!  And I am so glad they see it as a happy day. That was always what I hoped for, from his first birthday until now. I didn’t want to have to be sad and depressed every year when I remembered him. Kids can dream and wonder. An art that we as grownups lose. They imagine what life would be like with a big brother. They like to talk about how he would be 9, so Michael would be 8 and then Abigail 6. I can only imagine that life would look very different for all of us, if Jonathan would have still been with us. I think about that when I see families with 3 kids. I can only imagine. . . . .

The other day Abigail asked me if Jonathan had dark skin or light skin. I asked her what she meant and she said light skin like me, or dark skin like my friend Cynthia? It is so fascinating that in her innocent little mind, her brother could have dark skin like her African-American classmate. Diversity is normal to my little girl, and I’m so proud of that. She likes people and things that are different from her, and I think that is a beautiful thing. While there are days that her being different drives me bananas, there are other moments like this that bring joy to my heart. And because Jonathan left us, it made space for Abigail in our life. She constantly helps me see life through a different lens.

Sunday we will celebrate and we will remember. Every year, I always hope to share the story of my son with at least one more person. I still truly believe that as I am able to share his story, his life lives on. As I am able to share the healing power that God did in my life, Jonathan’s life has purpose. And if I can offer hope to anyone else that is experiencing pain, that the pain does get easier to manage – not just because I have 2 beautiful kids – but because we have a God of comfort and love who wants to help us connect to each other as we lean into him. “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 He is with us always and to the end.

Thinking about Pumpkins and JT

It has been a long time since I have written anything for the world to see, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped writing. It doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking about Jonathan. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to share. I know I have much to share, but my mind has become a fog in the last. . . . .4 years that I just don’t think as clearly. It has a lot to do with my “spirited” child, Abigail, whom I dearly love but don’t always understand.

She just turned 4 in August, and is more full of life than ever. She started PreK at Michael’s school a few weeks after her birthday. Her first month was great – only good reports from her teacher. And then the novelty wore off and she is back to her strong-willed tendencies. She often keeps me distracted and on my toes so I don’t have time to miss or think about Jonathan. And I try to take a deep breath each day, and be grateful for my little girl that is making a giant splash in the world wherever she goes. With each deep breath, it always makes me think of Jonathan. I think and wonder what he would have been like. What would he want to do for his birthday?

Since I can’t ask him, I have made plans to fill my day with hopefully happy things. Abigail’s class is going on a field trip to the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm tomorrow to see the pumpkins and corn maze and other things fall. It is about an hour bus drive with 45 PreK kids. We’ll see how happy that part of my day goes! :-p At least it will be a memory, and with most things in Abigail’s life things do create memorable scenes . . . to take a page out of Donald Miller’s “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”

A pumpkin farm seems fitting as I think back to the day we got in the car to drive down to Southern Indiana (6 hours away) for Jonathan’s burial. This is going to sound strange, but we stopped at the AT&T store to buy me my first iPhone. Lawrence had been trying to convince me for months that I should get a smart phone and I didn’t understand why. Then my friend Phil Black showed me his and convinced me that it would be amazing. This seemed like a perfect distractor given the circumstances. So before we drove away we stopped next door to Starbuck’s and saw a teddy bear with a pumpkin sweater. Lawrence impulsed bought it, and I didn’t understand why at first. What would we do with that? But I guess a stuffed bear is something we would have bought Jonathan if he had been with us that fall. So I didn’t question it. On some levels, we each had to cope in our own ways.

And now I think about that bear we usually bring out from the attic for Thanksgiving and thinking we need it for tomorrow. For our pumpkin day. For his birthday. To remember what would have been his, yet is now just a memory. Pumpkins have new meaning now.

My struggle

I love my kids, but at times they are very high maintenance and difficult to be around. I confess that when I am around other people with low-key babies or toddlers, I’m a bit jealous. There is a part of me that doesn’t think it’s fair to have such difficult kids, after losing Jonathan. But I know life isn’t about being fair. . . . . so I struggle through it.

Michael has been in high demand of my attention since the moment he was born. (For those of you that haven’t followed by blog since his birth – he wouldn’t sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time during the first 4 months of his life. I had to hold him nearly 24/7 so he wouldn’t cry.) Having Abigail added to the scene didn’t seem to help the situation. He always seems to want or need something. Now he is often polite and will say, “Excuse me mommy, I have something to say.” But if I don’t acknowledge him in about 2 seconds flat, his volume and demand rises. How did I end up with such a high maintenance 4 year old? (Is this a reflection of myself???)

To make matters worse, he often likes to sit on, push, hit, kick, etc. his sister. Now I realize, that this is probably normal sibling behavior. But when Abigail responds with ear piercing screeching all the time, my nerves are nearly shot. Especially because I know that when she is not around Michael, she can be the sweetest and most adorable little girl. And when I tell her to stay away from Michael, she keeps going back for more. (definition of insanity, right?)

As a working mom, I only get about 2-3 hours per day with my kids on weekdays. The time seems so short and precious, but in those moments where Michael is not particularly pleasant I admit that 8pm can’t come soon enough. I feel terrible for saying that. After all, I lost Jonathan so I should be so grateful for Michael every moment my life. It is just hard to be grateful when he presses on like this.

Then we will have a day where he is a perfect angel. Doing everything I ask of him, reciting bible verses, sharing his toys with sister, cleaning up his messes, giving me hugs and kisses, etc. And I want to keep him up until 9 or 10 o’clock just so I can spend more time with him.

I always thought that the hardest part of parenthood was losing my child. Don’t get me wrong, that pain was excruciating. But God has slowly healed my heart, where I don’t feel that pain each day. Yet now I feel like I struggle with this daily angst of loving my children and wanting to be with them, but not all the time since they are not always easy to be around.

Today was a repeater. But I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

2 going on 16

I’ve said it before, but if it weren’t for Jonathan, we might not have Abigail. She is a one of a kind little girl . . . even the teachers at her day care say that. She is very much in her terrible two’s in a way that Michael never was, and she thinks she’s 2 going on 16. 

She has a very strong opinion about everything. (I have NO idea where she gets this quality – wink wink) from what she wears, to when she will let you help her, to which cup she will drink her milk out of and who puts her to bed at night. The list goes on. And in those moments when I just want to ask, “Why, Abigail, why?” But I have to remember she is a gift that God has un expectantly given me. Some day, I pray she will use this strong-will to do something BIG. In the meantime, I take a deep breath and try to figure out what to say to make her THINK she is getting her way. I’m sure this will backfire on me, as in some ways it has but I don’t want to squash her spirit too much either. 

The family across the street has a daughter exactly 2-weeks younger than Abigail. She has some similar traits to Abigail, so I know there could be plenty of mischief along the way. Today was my first glimps at these 2 fast forwarded to 16. Abigail’s friend just got one of those kid sized battery operated cars. Pink and all. So the two of them literally drove up and down our street with one of us parents chasing behind making sure they didn’t hit a curb or a parked car. They played Chinese fire drill every few minutes to take turns driving. It was hilarious and frightening at the same time. Now my little girl really does think she’s 16! Oh my!

Easter and Bluebonnets

It is hard to believe that I haven’t posted anything in 2 years. Where has the time gone? Oh here . . . .  

 

I was in a meeting with a colleague of mine on Thursday and she shared with me about another mom in her PTA. She lost her son tragically in a car accident. Now that mom is doing advocacy around keeping kids and teens safe. As my colleague got teary-eyed telling the story, she marveled at this woman. How precious life is with our kids, and how none of us would ever imagine losing them. 

I’ve never met this woman, but I am in awe of her. Something so heart-wrenching that happened in her life has driven her to create good in the world around her. Through her plight, her son lives on. 

When I think about Jonathan, I often feel badly that I do little to let his legacy live on. This blog started as a place for his impact to live on. But his two siblings have taken over Mommy’s life and kept me from writing. I should say, I’ve let it keep me from writing. And when those fleeting moments pass where I think about my first son, I feel like I’ve let his tragedy become a waste. I want his life and premature departure to heaven to have a purpose. Even now, almost 6 years later there are still pangs of sorrow. In the depths of my heart, I still wonder why this had to happen. I still want there to be a purpose behind his little life. 

Often times I think Abigail is that purpose. I don’t know that I would have tried to get pregnant again after Michael if Jonathan was still with us. Every day when this unique little girl does something that I can hardly believe, I have to remember that she is a gift. More stories to follow on that. . . . 

Every spring, Bluebonnets (the Texas state flower) bloom fir what seems like a very short season. They come after the rains and before the scorching heat hits us. It is a very Texas thing to get pictures with the lovely wildflowers when you can. As you drive along country roads or the interstate, you can often see cars pulled off to the side of the road capturing the beauty. We have come to embrace this Texas tradition, especially now that was have a native-born Texan in the family. This year, Bluebonnets were in full bloom for Easter. What an extra special treat! So after 25 or 30 takes, we finally got both kids looking at the camera and smiling. Michael is now 4 and Abigail is 2-1/2. Time just flies. . . . 

Mother’s Day

This has been a fun filled Mother’s Day weekend for me!

On Friday, Abigail brought artwork home that she made a day care with her hand print looking like a flower.  I’m sure she had a little help, but I loved in nonetheless.  I’m not sure why Michael’s class didn’t have him make anything for me which was rather disappointing.  But fortunately that was the only major disappointment of the weekend.

Saturday was my usual Michael/Mommy time at the Y.  I teach a Little Kiddie Fit class to him and other kiddos his age.  He is usually the only one in class that doesn’t follow directions, but I think it is because he thinks he’s in charge!  (Kind of like at home).  After that we went grocery shopping.  I know that doesn’t sound very exciting to most, but usually I do it in the afternoon when the kids and my husband are napping.  Michael hasn’t been to the store with me for a while.  I was amazed yet again that he could identify every box, can, container that I put in our chart.  He is one smart cookie!

After lunch we went as a family to the Y to go swimming.  I take each of the kids to swim lessons on alternating days, because I really want them to love the water and become very good swimmers.  Michael has been in a new class the past week and has learned lots of new things, that I wanted to show off to Daddy.

Daddy feels like Michael has no fear in the water, which is a little scary to him but I think it is great to see his confidence.  Here’s a picture hanging on the wall by himself.  I’ll have to post a separate video to see him in action.  He loves going under water and also blowing bubbles.

I’m hoping that he can graduate from a Parent/Child class to a preschool class by August or September, so he would be going all by himself.  Abigail is already kicking lots and “scooping” her arms so she might catch up to Michael sooner than you think!

Our Saturday evening activity was making ice cream.  Earlier in the day when we were at the grocery store and walking through the freezer section, Michael kept repeating, “ice cream.  I love ice cream.”  I find this funny, because I can count on 1 hand the number of times he has eaten ice cream in his life.  But I thought I’d amuse him anyway.  We actually made frozen yogurt with half the sugar but I know that Michael wouldn’t know the difference.

We started by pureeing strawberries in the food processor.  I had to keep convincing Michael the whole time to put the strawberries in the food processor instead of eating them.  Once I let him push the start button, he really got into it.  Adding the yogurt to the pureed strawberries:

 

Stirring it all together:

 

Pouring the mixture into the ice cream maker bowl:

The final product:

The funny thing is that once it was made, Michael refused to eat it!  I kept telling him over and over how much he would like it.  (Don’t ask me why I’m trying to talk my 2 year old son  into eating sweets. . . especially before bedtime).  But he finally sat on my lap and let me feed him a bite.  After the first bite, he kept saying “more, more”  and even had a second serving.  His last bite was rather big – I think it gave him brain freeze by the expression on his face!

Sunday morning we got up and went to church together.  This in and of itself was an accomplishment, because most weeks one of us will take Michael while the other one stays home so Abigail can nap.  Since she slept in, she didn’t need a nap until 9:30/10 (right in the middle of church) so we took her and I was able to get her to sleep while in church.  

Before having brunch we managed to get a few pictures.  Abigail and Momma:

Michael and Momma:

Michael giving me a kiss:

Both kiddos with Momma – not so easy to get this shot:

Abigail is now 9 months old, which is so hard to believe:

Now I sit here eating a delicious cupcake from Sugar Momma’s Bakery as I reflect on all the fun.  What a great weekend!