It has been a long time since I have written anything for the world to see, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped writing. It doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking about Jonathan. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to share. I know I have much to share, but my mind has become a fog in the last. . . . .4 years that I just don’t think as clearly. It has a lot to do with my “spirited” child, Abigail, whom I dearly love but don’t always understand.
She just turned 4 in August, and is more full of life than ever. She started PreK at Michael’s school a few weeks after her birthday. Her first month was great – only good reports from her teacher. And then the novelty wore off and she is back to her strong-willed tendencies. She often keeps me distracted and on my toes so I don’t have time to miss or think about Jonathan. And I try to take a deep breath each day, and be grateful for my little girl that is making a giant splash in the world wherever she goes. With each deep breath, it always makes me think of Jonathan. I think and wonder what he would have been like. What would he want to do for his birthday?
Since I can’t ask him, I have made plans to fill my day with hopefully happy things. Abigail’s class is going on a field trip to the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm tomorrow to see the pumpkins and corn maze and other things fall. It is about an hour bus drive with 45 PreK kids. We’ll see how happy that part of my day goes! :-p At least it will be a memory, and with most things in Abigail’s life things do create memorable scenes . . . to take a page out of Donald Miller’s “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”
A pumpkin farm seems fitting as I think back to the day we got in the car to drive down to Southern Indiana (6 hours away) for Jonathan’s burial. This is going to sound strange, but we stopped at the AT&T store to buy me my first iPhone. Lawrence had been trying to convince me for months that I should get a smart phone and I didn’t understand why. Then my friend Phil Black showed me his and convinced me that it would be amazing. This seemed like a perfect distractor given the circumstances. So before we drove away we stopped next door to Starbuck’s and saw a teddy bear with a pumpkin sweater. Lawrence impulsed bought it, and I didn’t understand why at first. What would we do with that? But I guess a stuffed bear is something we would have bought Jonathan if he had been with us that fall. So I didn’t question it. On some levels, we each had to cope in our own ways.
And now I think about that bear we usually bring out from the attic for Thanksgiving and thinking we need it for tomorrow. For our pumpkin day. For his birthday. To remember what would have been his, yet is now just a memory. Pumpkins have new meaning now.